Letting the chaos happen
“There is too much structure. Let the chaos happen, then the structure you are looking for will follow.” This was the recent guidance that was given to me for navigating the recent changes that have been happening and the more changes to come.
And despite what “chaos” as a word connotes, I learnt that it is about expressing more of your feminine energy - like moving and meditating freestyle as opposed to following a structured set of sun salutations or script.
In my continued pursuit towards finding calm and clarity to navigate through all that was happening, my need for control and perfection took over. I was trying to alleviate my fears and worries by doing too many things that was too structured - it was suppressing me more, leading to more overwhelm and I didn’t realize it.
I was planning my work and personal life down to the tee, reworking my steps plan towards my goals every couple months, taking my mind off things through sweaty flows and toning my muscles and free-writing in my journal to brain dump - all these being more masculine in energy.
I started leaning more into the feminine energies of my being, because it made sense. This idea flipped a light switch on in me, because I knew something was off-balance internally, energetically, I just haven’t been able to pin point exactly what and how. I focussed on intentional movement (or non-movement) rather than moving to solely sweat, finding stillness rather than distraction. I practiced cultivating my expressions through thoughtful words rather than uttering words as they come up. And after a few days, I felt a growing sense of peace within, felt more present with my own actions, thoughts and emotions and started to sleep better.
I learnt first-handed that yin (feminine) and yang (masculine) energies are opposites that require balance and too much of one will deplete the other. Yet I also know one cannot exist without the other. It is necessary also to befriend darkness, because there is no light without darkness, and sometimes you need the energy of sharp blade to draw out the pain in order to offer it medicine to heal.
I was reminded of this beautiful poem “Becoming the Ocean” by Khalil Gibran. I dove into a series of practices that felt scary and confronting (especially as I love and was trained to love structure!) but I slowly saw the change and started to see it as an opportunity for growth. Sometimes the anxieties, worries and fears of the unknown and failures can throw us into a spiral, blinding us from perhaps the realities and even opportunities. As this poem reminds us, we need to take that leap of faith, faith in ourself.
It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.
She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.
And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.
But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.
Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.
The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.
Khalil Gibran
